Anachronistic and Impulsive

So.....so so so....where to even begin.

I guess the prick of ire that is tearing my side would be prime real-estate for our start. Fuck people who fuck me over. Seriously. I've been doing this theatre/film thing for a hot minute now. I, at any given time, have three or four projects overlapping and I still make do. From what I've learned, that's what you HAVE to do in this industry to make any semblance of a success. So, someone backing out on me cause they have 'too much going on' is UNACCEPTABLE in my book. ESPECIALLY when others have already been busting their butts to get the damn project going.

Not only that, but two days...wait, not even, a day and a half before the shoot!? Really!? So...yesterday your schedule was so-so, but tonight? Oh no no no, now...too much going on! Sorry mate. 'Hope your shoot goes well; I'm sure it will.' What!? You are!? But...you were bringing all our equipment AND crew! Fuck me running!

So, yeah, uber pissed. A plague of locusts on faux filmmakers and hacks.

In other news, I'll be doing my first touring job come the end April and the start of May. I'm the touring lighting designer for a production called 'Rejoice, Dear Hearts: And Evening with Brother Dave Gardner'. It's a one man Comedy that's touring four or five theatres. Pretty exciting. It'll be good experience and good money. Good money that I'm hoping and aspiring will get my car up and running.

If that happens it'll open up a lot more opportunities for me.

In other recent news, I've been on the Convention circuit, screening 'Perception' and running amok with my fellow film folk. It's been an exhausting good time. Meeting some cool new people and what not. It's always interesting to go to these things, especially new ones cause there's really no way to tell how things are going to go down. I look forward to doing more and bringing more to these things. Con Nooga this year was different in a big way. Ya see...a friend of a friend decided he was going to join us. He a great guy, lots of fun, and he happens to look frighteningly similar to Kevin Smith. When I first met him I, half jokingly, said we should dress up as Jay and Silent Bob for Halloween or something and we had a good laugh about it. Well, when I learned he'd be joining us at Con Nooga the first thing I thought was 'oh man...we have to do the costumes' and so...we did. And holy crap, we were overwhelmed with people taking our picture and videos of us and all kinds of craziness. Albeit, we looked and acted the parts, no doubt, but hell's bells you'd think we were hot asian girls with all the photos being taken. We'll definitely be doing it again next year at Con and 'uping the anty' as they say. So, that will be fun.

On the horizon I'll also be auditioning for a big production of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. I'm extremely excited about it. I love Shakespeare. The challenge it poses for actors is too great an opportunity to pass up, plus it's with a reputable company I did some work with in the past and it's going to have a decent budget. The venue is awesome too. A very cool theatre in the round style amphitheatre. The director is also amazing. Worked with her on a dozen or more shows and she really does a top notch job in all areas. There are several parts I'd be more than happy to play, but I think I'm really hoping for King Oberon. Puck would be amazing too, but I don't think I fit the physical archtype for the character, but then again, I don't know. The director has done some amazing things in the past that were quite surprising.

And finally, a big ol' gun slinging, heart throbbing, project with my dear Brother Black Bird from MadOnes Films. I can't go into details yet, but suffice it to say...it's going to be fucking awesome...IF we can pull it together to the degree it needs to be pulled together.

This girl...

There was a girl I knew. The origins of our relationship are as fresh in mind now as what I had for dinner tonight. Though I recall immense feelings of caution, I felt a connection. A kindred connection. We had much in common. Across the gamut. She and I developed a fast friendship really rather fast. This friend continued on for some time. One of the few female friends I had that I didn't think of romantically. At least not for some time. And though my feelings for her shifted into the realm of romance and intimacy for a time...the deeper feelings were more than that. A love that transcended romance and all that finite emotional baggage. And in the true nature of the human experience I lashed out at all the good things I had in my life, including this girl, and pushed her and many other things away. Distraught and dejected I carried on, as we all must. Many good and bad things came and went. I endured. Thrived even. Then this girl hadoukens back into my life, and yes that was a Street Fighter reference. Though time had passed and I very real love had affirmed itself in my life I still had that love for her. I was elated to have this kindred spirit back in my life once more. Then, as is the nature of things, time passed. Things happened. A torrent of change washed through her life, propelling her into a new state of being. Oblivious to the list of possible outcomes I voiced my feelings to her, not romantic, not going against this other love in my life, but feelings deep and real, valid and important in my mind's eye. This girl reacted badly to my feelings. And, going against my behavior I backed off when she told me to....

"It's going to take me some time to get over this." She told me.

That was almost five years ago.

I'm not sure what to do. I think of her often. There is an ache in my heart because she's not in my life.

There's a very loud voice in my head telling me "She's grown up. She's moved on. If she wanted or needed you in her life she would have told you. Get over it."

And there's this other voice that won't shut about how much I miss her.

The actor in me loves to hold onto this pain, because I can use it. I have used it. That's pretty disturbing when I think about it.

Well, no matter what I know that the saying is true...you can never go back.

Sorry for the depressing blog. Had to write it.