There was a girl I knew. The origins of our relationship are as fresh in mind now as what I had for dinner tonight. Though I recall immense feelings of caution, I felt a connection. A kindred connection. We had much in common. Across the gamut. She and I developed a fast friendship really rather fast. This friend continued on for some time. One of the few female friends I had that I didn't think of romantically. At least not for some time. And though my feelings for her shifted into the realm of romance and intimacy for a time...the deeper feelings were more than that. A love that transcended romance and all that finite emotional baggage. And in the true nature of the human experience I lashed out at all the good things I had in my life, including this girl, and pushed her and many other things away. Distraught and dejected I carried on, as we all must. Many good and bad things came and went. I endured. Thrived even. Then this girl hadoukens back into my life, and yes that was a Street Fighter reference. Though time had passed and I very real love had affirmed itself in my life I still had that love for her. I was elated to have this kindred spirit back in my life once more. Then, as is the nature of things, time passed. Things happened. A torrent of change washed through her life, propelling her into a new state of being. Oblivious to the list of possible outcomes I voiced my feelings to her, not romantic, not going against this other love in my life, but feelings deep and real, valid and important in my mind's eye. This girl reacted badly to my feelings. And, going against my behavior I backed off when she told me to....
"It's going to take me some time to get over this." She told me.
That was almost five years ago.
I'm not sure what to do. I think of her often. There is an ache in my heart because she's not in my life.
There's a very loud voice in my head telling me "She's grown up. She's moved on. If she wanted or needed you in her life she would have told you. Get over it."
And there's this other voice that won't shut about how much I miss her.
The actor in me loves to hold onto this pain, because I can use it. I have used it. That's pretty disturbing when I think about it.
Well, no matter what I know that the saying is true...you can never go back.
Sorry for the depressing blog. Had to write it.
