I post infrequently.

Lately, especially. 

There is a lyric in a song I've been listening to everyday for nearly two weeks.

"These days my hands are tied.  These days I think you'll find I'm not me now, the light has died.  It's too real to run and hide."

And those lyrics have never been truer.

At this very moment, 8:07 in the AM, Sunday, July 21st I am sitting here writing a blog.  What I should be doing? 

Sleeping.  For the last two nights I've played one of the most difficult characters I've wrestled with in my entire acting career.  Not only is it physically demanding, what with the awesome, intense fight scenes, but this show is so emotionally jarring.  So heavy.  So intense and dark, the emotional and mental tole themselves should be enough to lay me out, minus any combat choreography. 

So, why or how am I awake, typing this blog?

As I lay in my bed, thinking it over, it suddenly dawned on me...like those first few drops of water that hit your face when you get in the shower.  At this point I'd like to warn any unfortunate reader that we'll be making an extended stop in 'Michael's Head' from here on in.  Why am I awake?  It's Macbeth.  No no no, not the show itself.  The character.  The actual character.

At this point it's worth mentioning that I'm a very 'real' actor.  When I'm out on stage, in costume, under the lights, in the moment...it's real.  The character is real.  The audience is irrelevant, save from some auto-pilot notions of where I should be facing when.  I give the character life in every facet of the word.

Somehow, after every show I've managed to stave off the utter exhaustion to a point because in the back of my mind I knew 'hey, we have to get up and do this tomorrow as well, so stiff upper lip, whits about you, what ho!'...but today...oh no no no...not today.  And some way or another..Macbeth knows that.  Today it's as real as it can be, because tomorrow, for all intents and purposes, Macbeth is truly dead. 

I am truly lacking the season of all natures.  It's distressing, tiring, but in a way, fitting and justified.  I don't feel the show will suffer for it.  I do feel that with this performance...everything is going to come out...it will all come down...and I'm dreading the wreck that I will be after the final blackout. 

It's an odd circumstance.  In and of itself, for sure, but also in that I chose this.  I chose this lifestyle.  To audition for the show.  I chose to accept this role and take it this far in.  Some other actors may scoff, or look down on me for such treatment of a roll, and that's okay.  This is what works for me. 

And come on...how often does a guy get to play the Mad King.

Contemplation at 2am

I haven't posted a blog in ages.  It's funny how some things can take the side lines so severely when surrounded by the various vagaries of life. 

I'm working.  Preparing for an audition.  An audition that feels important to me.   I mean, every audition is important, but this one seems to bare more weight than I anticipated.  Perhaps that's simply due to its last minute addition to the mighty list of opportunities I have coming my way.  Not sure.

It's just funny to me.  I'm sitting here.  Working on it.  Working my way to the place I need to be to perform this monologue ably.  To tell the story.  My work specifically?  I'm doing my damnedest to break my own heart.  To find a point of palpable anguish to crawl from.  It's so strange.  I mean, this is just the audition.  I haven't had an opportunity like this in ages.  What's different?  It's a tragedy.  And I need it.  I need the catharsis it provides.  The process of burning myself down and crawling out of my own ashes.  I've had plenty of opportunities to laugh and cavort on stage in recent memory.  But to go to that darker place.  That seat of despair.  Mmmm....I think...at this moment...I feel that sensation super villains get when scheming after their fondest dreams.  It's...exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.  Like watching the sunrise after a lifetime of living in the dark. 

And what's funnier still...is my contemplation on this:  If this is where I'm going just for the audition...where will I go if I get the part?

Anachronistic and Impulsive

So.....so so so....where to even begin.

I guess the prick of ire that is tearing my side would be prime real-estate for our start. Fuck people who fuck me over. Seriously. I've been doing this theatre/film thing for a hot minute now. I, at any given time, have three or four projects overlapping and I still make do. From what I've learned, that's what you HAVE to do in this industry to make any semblance of a success. So, someone backing out on me cause they have 'too much going on' is UNACCEPTABLE in my book. ESPECIALLY when others have already been busting their butts to get the damn project going.

Not only that, but two days...wait, not even, a day and a half before the shoot!? Really!? So...yesterday your schedule was so-so, but tonight? Oh no no no, now...too much going on! Sorry mate. 'Hope your shoot goes well; I'm sure it will.' What!? You are!? But...you were bringing all our equipment AND crew! Fuck me running!

So, yeah, uber pissed. A plague of locusts on faux filmmakers and hacks.

In other news, I'll be doing my first touring job come the end April and the start of May. I'm the touring lighting designer for a production called 'Rejoice, Dear Hearts: And Evening with Brother Dave Gardner'. It's a one man Comedy that's touring four or five theatres. Pretty exciting. It'll be good experience and good money. Good money that I'm hoping and aspiring will get my car up and running.

If that happens it'll open up a lot more opportunities for me.

In other recent news, I've been on the Convention circuit, screening 'Perception' and running amok with my fellow film folk. It's been an exhausting good time. Meeting some cool new people and what not. It's always interesting to go to these things, especially new ones cause there's really no way to tell how things are going to go down. I look forward to doing more and bringing more to these things. Con Nooga this year was different in a big way. Ya see...a friend of a friend decided he was going to join us. He a great guy, lots of fun, and he happens to look frighteningly similar to Kevin Smith. When I first met him I, half jokingly, said we should dress up as Jay and Silent Bob for Halloween or something and we had a good laugh about it. Well, when I learned he'd be joining us at Con Nooga the first thing I thought was 'oh man...we have to do the costumes' and so...we did. And holy crap, we were overwhelmed with people taking our picture and videos of us and all kinds of craziness. Albeit, we looked and acted the parts, no doubt, but hell's bells you'd think we were hot asian girls with all the photos being taken. We'll definitely be doing it again next year at Con and 'uping the anty' as they say. So, that will be fun.

On the horizon I'll also be auditioning for a big production of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. I'm extremely excited about it. I love Shakespeare. The challenge it poses for actors is too great an opportunity to pass up, plus it's with a reputable company I did some work with in the past and it's going to have a decent budget. The venue is awesome too. A very cool theatre in the round style amphitheatre. The director is also amazing. Worked with her on a dozen or more shows and she really does a top notch job in all areas. There are several parts I'd be more than happy to play, but I think I'm really hoping for King Oberon. Puck would be amazing too, but I don't think I fit the physical archtype for the character, but then again, I don't know. The director has done some amazing things in the past that were quite surprising.

And finally, a big ol' gun slinging, heart throbbing, project with my dear Brother Black Bird from MadOnes Films. I can't go into details yet, but suffice it to say...it's going to be fucking awesome...IF we can pull it together to the degree it needs to be pulled together.

This girl...

There was a girl I knew. The origins of our relationship are as fresh in mind now as what I had for dinner tonight. Though I recall immense feelings of caution, I felt a connection. A kindred connection. We had much in common. Across the gamut. She and I developed a fast friendship really rather fast. This friend continued on for some time. One of the few female friends I had that I didn't think of romantically. At least not for some time. And though my feelings for her shifted into the realm of romance and intimacy for a time...the deeper feelings were more than that. A love that transcended romance and all that finite emotional baggage. And in the true nature of the human experience I lashed out at all the good things I had in my life, including this girl, and pushed her and many other things away. Distraught and dejected I carried on, as we all must. Many good and bad things came and went. I endured. Thrived even. Then this girl hadoukens back into my life, and yes that was a Street Fighter reference. Though time had passed and I very real love had affirmed itself in my life I still had that love for her. I was elated to have this kindred spirit back in my life once more. Then, as is the nature of things, time passed. Things happened. A torrent of change washed through her life, propelling her into a new state of being. Oblivious to the list of possible outcomes I voiced my feelings to her, not romantic, not going against this other love in my life, but feelings deep and real, valid and important in my mind's eye. This girl reacted badly to my feelings. And, going against my behavior I backed off when she told me to....

"It's going to take me some time to get over this." She told me.

That was almost five years ago.

I'm not sure what to do. I think of her often. There is an ache in my heart because she's not in my life.

There's a very loud voice in my head telling me "She's grown up. She's moved on. If she wanted or needed you in her life she would have told you. Get over it."

And there's this other voice that won't shut about how much I miss her.

The actor in me loves to hold onto this pain, because I can use it. I have used it. That's pretty disturbing when I think about it.

Well, no matter what I know that the saying is true...you can never go back.

Sorry for the depressing blog. Had to write it.

Ride the kick...

SO...it's been a while since I've 'blogged'...let's see.

First, I guess I should talk about the production of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog LIVE I was involved with this summer. When I first heard it was happening I was so excited about it. I mean...it's DOCTOR HORRIBLE. The material is brilliant and not to boast or anything, but the music feels like it was written for me. I relished at the thought of the character work I would have if I were cast in the title role. And then when it happened my excitement gradual became muddled with fear, doubts, and anxiety. I mean...this is the perfect example of me 'biting off more than I could chew'. Hell. The whole production was like that. A lot of 'first timers'. And the drama. God the drama. Don't get me wrong...we pulled together a fabulous performance AND it was for a good cause. We raised money for Tornado victims. But holy dammit the road getting there was littered with bullshit and bear-traps. I have nothing but love and fuzzy thoughts for the production crew and cast but I swear to the Gods that I seriously wanted to strangle more than a few of them here and there. And none of it is personal. It's all because of the production. I cared for the production so much that when things weren't going right and it was the direct result of someone else's actions, or inaction, it boiled my blood a little bit. BUT...again...it did come together and I'm proud, as it were. It was certainly a humbling experience and I feel like it really helped me to grow in a multitude of ways and for me, that's what counts. I don't get involved with projects unless I'm going to get something out of it, and I don't mean compensation or any of monetary gain. I mean, the satisfy the gamer-geek in me, EXPERIENCE POINTS! And I feel like I 'leveled up'. Hopefully, the DVD we get from the performances will be worthwhile enough to look back on fondly. And if nothing else, my new nickname is 'The Doctor' and that's just a little bit of terrific in my book.

ConCarolinas came and went and was awesome. Made some great contacts there.

Hmmmm, let's see...OH YEAH! Did the 48Hour Film Project again this year. Went in with the Adrenalin Group as the writer and director. At the kickoff we all met and hung out, had a few beers until they started to genre drawing. When our turn came we got...wait for it...Period Piece, much to our team leader dismay(all of our dismay, really), so we went for the wild-card genre. From that drawing we got Drama. Woo. So, we went back to the hotel and I got to work, with good ol' Mr. Bill Mulligan and in a few hours we had a solid story and script. Our film, 'Broken', was about a man who inadvertently holds a restaurant full of people hostage when he goes in to murder his would-be girlfriend. The shoot was arduous. They say never work with animals or kids. And I know why now. But aside from some roughness here and there, we got it done and put together. We were also lucky enough to make it into the judges 'Best-of' list. Out of 42 films we made it to the top 19 which is pretty cool. We also walked away with the 'Best use of Prop Honorable Mention' Award, which is also pretty cool. All in all, it was good and I've had a few offers for spots on teams for next year. So...we'll see.

What else? Oh, I'm the First Minister of Personnel Engineering for the Steampunk Convention "Contemporal" happening in Durham next summer. That translates to 'Casting Director' for the Con. Okay...so Think: Renaissance fair. Renaissance fairs have a cast of characters and there is usually a story arc throughout the fair that fair goers get little glimpses of here and there. This Convention is going to work like that. The Convention will be a 'port' with an 'airship docked' at it and the various characters will be meandering therein interacting with one another and the con goers with a continuous story pervading the Convention. It should be fun. The group is cool and seem genuinely happy to have me on board, which is great. It's always nice to feel wanted and appreciated. Oh, and speaking of Steampunk I'm also assisting the production team for a Steampunk 'Much Ado About Nothing'. I'm building some props for them as well as lending a helping hand to the over-all design of the show.

Speaking of Conventions I'll be attending several more Horror/Sci-fi/Film conventions this and next year. As of now, I am a Special Guest for Con Nooga in Tennessee, again, and Mysticon in Virginia. That's exciting. I like that whole experience and hope to keep doing it more and more. I'll be submitting guest applications to several other cons as well. Once I get a few other projects under my belt I'm hoping to become a more desirable attendee.

Speaking of projects I'll be working with the MadOnes Film group of Greensboro in the near future. I've developed a solid rapport with the head of the group, Jaysen Buterin, as well as various others within their tight little network. They're all good guys. Funny, creative, and passionate. I look forward to working with them. Speaking of projects 'Perception' is still in post, currently, but should be done in another month's time, I think. We've got a new guy doing our digital effects named Steven Buono. He seems like a nice chap, talented too, and genuinely enthusiastic about the work. My lead, Kevin Teachey, who is also doing our score, got a boss new music program that sounds oh so sweet to my ears, so that's exciting. This year should be good in terms of work, just hoping some of these projects will pay off monetarily.

I think that just about does it.

http://www.madonesfilms.com/
http://www.stevmbuono.com/
http://contemporal.org/

A Blog about Religion

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Here comes some more sanctimonious garbage." And you're right, on one level. I can't help but feel a self assured sense of spiritual superiority when I take an honest look at my life, my beliefs, my world view and then compare those to that of other individuals in the world. I feel damn good about what I believe and therefore feel a need...no, an obligation to talk about it.

What is it with people's innate desire to be right? To be correct against everyone else? I'm sure at it's core it developed from some...'survival' mentality. Anthropologically speaking, of course. It's an odd thing to consider. On one end I feel I understand it. Hell, I feel it. There are times where I am certain of things and feel a need to convey that, especially when I hear someone on the converse side of it touting the wrong things. Yet, on the other end, I don't understand it at all. I don't understand why people would opt. out of the 'live and let live' mentality. I mean, sure, that mindset has it's limits. But to a certain, rather broad, extent, I'd say, it's quite fitting and appropriate.

Why is any one religion more valid than another? More than that, why do people feel the need to shove religion down the throats of others because of their certainty? Why is your certainty more valid than mine?

I'm a pagan. More specifically, I'm an Odinist. I have a spiritual system by which I live my life. It governs ever aspect of my self and yet, my faith is often met with an air of comedy. As if it's laughable that I believe the things I believe. Why is one faith more real than any other? Each mythology is full of ridiculous happenings, so that shouldn't be a factor at all.

When it boils down to it here's where I'm at; Each and every one of us, the trees outside, the buildings, the cars, the...EVERYTHING...is all made up of the same stuff. The same atomic, kinetic stuff. An energy. That energy is God. Now, where religion comes into play is when that energy vibrates within us in such a way that these faiths we've created as species feel right. My vibration is Odinism. It's like headache medicine. Some people prefer ibuprofen, some people prefer Tylenol, some people swear by Excedrin. Me, I take BC Powder. It's the only thing that gets rid of my headaches. That's religion. My faith feels right. It makes me feel right and good and like I have a place in this universe. I don't think it's the 'one true faith', there's no such thing. It's the one true faith for me. Live and believe whatever you wish...as long as you are doing it and not expecting anyone else to. We all exist in our own little realities and when we try to control others' we just create friction.

Everyday I am met with bible quotes and it just pounds these thoughts in my head, so I felt a need to vent about it. My faith is real. If you doubt it than you doubt me as a person. My faith makes me who I am and I proud of that.

It's a wide world out there. Kill the ignorance.

Things are Horrible.

So, staying busy is definitely working out for me.

Currently I have my lighting and special effects work with Arts Alive's production of Les Miserable. Such a good, impacting show. I'm actually thankful to be a part of it. I hope my design is to everyone's liking and it serves to strengthen the show. I like doing lighting jobs. It's difficult and I feel like I have something of a knack for it. Although, I am getting a little burned out on it. This is my fifth show this season.

Aside from that I've got to get things prepped for my Shakespeare camp this summer. After that I'm directing a teen production of A Comedy of Errors. I like directing. It gives my visualization ability a good work out. The camp should be fun, as well. I do enjoy teaching. Especially to these kids who want to be there, who want to hear what I have to say. Not that I think I'm god's gift to theatre or anything, but I do feel I have some knowledge to impart.

Perception is in post and looking good. I'm excited to see it and I hope it's the first of many films I'll direct.

And probably the biggest news of all right now...I was cast as Dr. Horrible in the Plaid Player's summer production of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. Woo-freakin-hoo. I cannot emphasize enough how excited I am. It's been a year since I've been on a stage, so that's exciting in and of itself, but the fact that it's a musical that I thoroughly enjoy just makes it that much better. Also, I'll be designing and building a lot of special props for the show, which is always a blast. And to top it all, the proceeds go to charity for Tornado relief. Can't beat that. I like using my talents to bring joy into people's lives and now I get to do that times two.

I love staying busy. I love my work.